The Chronicles Of Narnia

The Chronicles Of Narnia stole our battle cry...

"For Narnia...and for Aslan!"

That one.

It was ORIGINALLY...

"For Cookani...and for not being beaten by Papa Elf because it hurts really bad when he gets the whip!

But it's ok, we're not mad. We made a new battle cry!

"SHIT IN THE PUDDING!"

Goats

Turns out goats actually scare rancors rather than encourage them to go into a feeding frenzy like legend told. So now we are buying 20 sacrificial goats from Malaysia. We are not only saving them, but saving ourselves...and the cookies.

YOUR WELCOME!

The things we do for you humans....

Keebler the Elf

New Cookies

We were gonna introduce new cookies called "Fat Elf"

But then we realized they were just double stuffed EL Fudge cookies...FAIL

Keebler the Elf

Been a few days

That's because I was locked up in the torture chamber for accidentally sneezing into the chocolate batter...

Sorry...

Keebler the Elf

Reptar

Reptar, Reptar, gotta find that Reptar!

He's the only one who can help us fight the Rancor babies!

PLEASE HELP US FIND HIM!

Keebler the Elf

Good Thing...

Good thing that we snuck away from Papa Elf to get drunk! Phew!

I was worried that we were going to be beaten again!

Now all we have to worry about is the rancor tonight!

WISH US LUCK!

Keebler the Elf

It's a small world

Just found a friend who I never knew was even in the Treehouse! His name is Keebler

Anyway, preparations for killing he rancor are almost complete. Since they are still baby rancors, they are susceptible to horse semen, so we have been trying our best to get that. Our first attempts failed like that guy who died from doing that video with a horse...but now we have created a machine for the horse to..."mount"...why didn't we just ask the human horse ranchers for advice?...

Until Next Time, Stay Sexy,

Keebler the Elf

Yesterday

I didn't post anything yesterday because Papa Elf caught me looking at pictures of naked elves, so he gave me a severe punishment and I was unable to get to my electric box.

More posts to follow later.

With Love And Tender Testicles,

Keebler the Elf

STD

The new Strategic Tactical Division (STD for short) is coming up with the plan to destroy the rancor babies.  This will be a tough mission, and many, many fairy tale lives will be killed...but you will go down in history as something that once possibly existed and then eventually something that is a myth...but you'll still be remembered!

So, if you're interested in sacrificing...er, HELPING kill the rancor, please contact Keebler the Elf at elfnamedkeebler@yahoo.com  or call 8675309...

Hope To See A Lot Of Young Stupid Bodies!

Keebler the Elf

EXTRA! EXTRA! Rancor Dead! But Babies Survive!

Yeah, we got the Rancor. Unfortunately, 25% of us died (better than the majority!). Another unfortunately...The Rancor had 4 babies we didn't kill, but with the aid of security cameras, they saw us. So now we are trying to plan another fight to kill the babies.

We CAN live in a world free of Rancors!!!

ARE YOU WITH ME?!

...You better be, or you won't be getting any more Keebler cookies! Then the rest of us survivors will find you and make you eat things you don't want to...like porcupines...THEN we'll punch you in the stomach (all those prickles will be stabbing you then!)



Using Any Reason To Get You To Support,

Keebler the Elf

Today We Will Kill The Rancor!

Today is the day we plan to kill the Rancor while it sleeps. Obviously it is a nocturnal creature, so we should have the upper hand. Though, if it puts its titty...booby traps up again, it will be awoken and destroy at least 50% of us (our stubby legs do not help us to run fast and its long dancer's legs allow it to have a farther stride)

Wish us luck. We have been saving up our rations of plastic forks and sharpened chop sticks to fight it. We realize that it's hide is very tough, but we will prevail as long as we use poison ivy (Rancors are deathly allergic to poison ivy) and with the aid of the pixies we slept with (and satiated their sexual drives) we will use the pixie dust to distract it.

Pray we make it back with minimal casualties.


With Fear And A Little Gas,

Keebler the Elf

PHEW! What cookies today?

PHEW!  Made it through the night!

Today we are baking the Deluxe Graham cookies (my favorite to eat if I wasn't sick of cookies...)

Ok, well, I have to get back to work before I'm sodomized with a bamboo stick

With Elvish Love,

Keebler the Elf

Time for sleep

Please let me live through the night!

Keebler the Elf

Shia LaBoeuf USED To Be An Elf

Then we found out he was actually human and we were just holding him ransom for money...good think we let him go, or we would never have had Transformers...

Keebler the Elf

Favorite Keebler Treat?

What are you human's favorite Keebler cookies (and other products)?

Papa Elf works us so hard, and if I get some hard evidence of preferred snackage, then maybe he won't beat me to the point of near mental incapacitationalness...right...

Anyway...

Let me know so I don't have to work as hard!! :D

Please, For The Love Of Cookani Help Me!

Keebler the Elf

(That means leave a comment!)

Nasty Pixies

Today we were visited by Woodland Pixies.  Don't let the name 'pixie' fool you, they are some nasty nymphos.  It's a good thing Elves naturally have hours of stamina, otherwise we would have been eaten by them from not sustaining their nymphotic needs.

No worries though, we took shifts so that you couldn't tell we left our cookie making duties.  And we were far enough away from the kitchen so that no love stuff got into the chocolate at all.  Good thing since the last time this happened, the batch went to North America...and then everyone couldn't stop eating the cookies because Elf juice is filled with substances that are addictive to humans.

We learned our lesson.  We had to work double time for a year in order to keep up.  Fortunately, people learned to wean themselves off cookies onto cigarettes so we were able to take a break from that.

Well, it's my turn with the pixies, so until the next time we meet.

Stay Sweetly Sexy,

Keebler the Elf

Swine Flu

As Elves, we are more susceptible to things in the human world, but Swine Flu is not one of them, so no one has to worry about their cookies being contaminated because we are super resilient to swine flu.  The minute we contract swine flu, our Elvish enzymes eat it away.  Unfortunately we don't have a cure since our enzymes would in essence make all of you contract a disease 10 times worse than cholera (that's a lot of poop!)

So no worries, Keebler Cookies are still delicious, and more importantly, Swine Flu safe!

Stay Delicious,

Keebler the Elf

Oh Boy...

Keebler forgot to add an extra tablespoon of "nice" to the chocolate, so we had to stop production of cookies.  Then Keebler had to go tell Keebler, who told Keebler and then he blabbed to Papa Elf.  Needless to say, we all got whipped.

It's ok though.  We were so obliterated in our drug induced high that Papa Elf's whippings didn't hurt at all.  Good thing.

I think to myself everyday, "why do I do this?"..."why don't I just take a shit in the chocolate?"

Then I think about the children...

And it tempts me even more...

Then I think about Papa Elf's bamboo splinters...

And I cry...

More to update later!

With Chocolaty Love,

Keebler the Elf

While I Have A Break

I just wanted everyone to know...I survived the night :D

Keebler the Elf

Boredom

It's true.  In the Elf world, we get bored too.  But, that's because we don't know how to have fun other than alcohol and drugs.  Since we are out of both, that kind of makes it difficult for us to do anything since we don't know anything other than drinking and doing drugs.

Today:

6am - Beaten awake by Papa Elf to worship Cookani

7am - Gourmet breakfast (oatmeal and a piece of toast)

8am - Papa Elf went to his quarters (with all the alcohol), so we smoked

9am - More smoking

10am - Smoking

11am - Sneezed a couple times...then smoked

12pm - Stole REAL food from Smurf Village while they were out gathering berries

1pm - Rakilaja begins

2pm - I failed at Rakilaja...crap

3pm - Ow...I'm sore...

4pm - Still not done.  I've reverted to my happy place.  Never would have known about it if it wasn't for Happy Gilmore

5pm - Poked a dead parrot in the eye with a stick

6pm - Papa Elf told us that we aren't allowed to eat dinner for a spiritual fast...asshole...

7pm - I was finally freed from my Rakilaja duties...

8pm - Attempted to dance at the bonfire, but was too sore (Where the hell is the pot?!)

9pm - Surprise gang bang with Smurfette

10pm - I am here now doing this

11pm - Will probably sneak in and fart on Papa Elf's pillow and give him pink eye (Should have let us drink and eat...)

12am - Going to bed early to get some extra sleep...hopefully I won't be eaten

Maybe I'll Be Here Tomorrow?...

Keebler the Elf

What a day!

FIRST, I lost at Rakilaja...AGAIN...so now I'm sore.  THEN, Papa Elf decided he wasn't going to let us eat today because he thinks we should be on a "spiritual fast"  (Umm, we aren't Heidi and Spencer Pratt...thanks...) and then he banned alcohol for the day, so we have been sober ALL day.  We hid the weed though, so, PHEW!

It's really sad that Wednesday is almost over.  I don't want to go back to that damn tree tomorrow.  But if I don't...There will be things inserted into places I didn't know I had.

Well, I'm gonna go looking for shrooms...

Pray To Cookani That I Don't Get Eaten By A Rancor,

Keebler the Elf 

Just To Clear This Up

ALL Elves have the name Keebler, so it gets kind of tough when you're trying to call out to Keebler, but Keebler is the one that hears you...ugh...

Thank Cookani It's Wednesday!

Seriously!  Today is Wednesday or Hrokin (in Elvish).  It's our Hutay (holy day) in Elvish Culture.  By Elvish law, we are not allowed to work on Hrokin or Cookani will smite us terribly.  Today is all about Cookani.  Fortunately, Papa Elf is a devout Cookanian, so he follows the teachings quite strictly.  While Papa Elf takes the day to devote to Cookani in his private quarters, the rest of us drink and enjoy our oh so limited time off from the grueling cookie making process.

Today we will probably buy a few Elvish hookers, or we will go down to Smurf Village again...Not really sure.  

Usually on this day we will devote time to learning Sachri Lonchin (Elvish Witchcraft) in order to try and overthrow the current Papa Elf.  So far he has proved to be quite a strong adversary.  But we WILL prevail one day.

Also on this day, we choose one Elf for Limpchin (circumcision).  It's a rite of passage into adulthood.  But, we cut off the whole thing...not just the tip.  Fortunately, we are born with 3, so no worries.

I remember last week, Keebler (one of Keebler's friends) decided that he was going to try and take on the Rancor while it was sleeping...he failed...May he rest in pieces...

Well, that's about it for now, I'm gonna go participate in Rakilaja: An Elvish drinking game where the loser has to be our sex slave for the day...Hope I don't lose again...

Until the next time we meet;

May Cookani Bless You and Your Mutant Children To Be,

Keebler the Elf

Well...

Let's see.  I know many of you are wondering what life as an elf is like.  Well, I can tell you that it's no walk in the park.  We only get, but are told we only need 3 hours of sleep.  Maybe that's the reason why we constantly have to recruit Elves...they die of exhaustion...Anyway, here is a detailed schedule of a normal day in the treehouse...If you're lucky, you survive a week.  If you survive longer, you are a master among Elves....

6am - You get your ass up or Papa Elf wakes you up (beats you with a bat)

7am - You had better already be done with breakfast, showered and started working

8am - First inspection...You better pray to Cookani (the Elvish cookie God) that it's good

9am - By now we have all already smoked weed to help us get through the day/pain of labor

10am - We are allowed a 10 minute break, but only 10 minutes.  10 minutes and 1 second = 20 lashings

11am - Second Inspection...If it isn't perfect by now, you will be beaten severely

12pm - 30 minutes for lunch, then back to work

1pm - If you don't have an idea to improve something in some way or have a new product, then you will not get a break for the rest of the day

2pm - By now we have drank ourselves stupid.  If it wasn't for alcohol, we would all have died from the pain

3pm - Papa Elf picks his Elf Of the Day (or EOD) to sodomi...to speak to...

4pm - Dear Cookani, I am so hungry and tired...nothing a little salvia can't fix...

5pm - We get a 20 minute break.  Most of us cry.

6pm - Third Inspection...Smile, look pretty, and pray to Cookani everything goes smoothly...

7pm - Dinner...It sucks...

8pm - Final Inspections...Papa Elf doesn't like the treats to be bad...(Please don't use the whip)

9pm - We are almost done...

10pm - THANK COOKANI WE ARE FREE!!...Unfortunately we need to still think of ideas for tomorrow...

11pm - Many of us go over to Smurf village and gang bang Smurfette...

12am - Almost ready for bed.  But first, Papa Elf picks his EON (Elf Of the Night)

1am - We go to bed, and have nightmares of all the horrible things that happen to us

2am - Tossing and turning, and usually mumbling in our sleep, Papa Elf wakes up and beats us

3am - Sound asleep

4am - The Rancor has taken at least 4 of us for a midnight snack

5am - Those who have awoken cry...a lot...we are scared

Then it starts all over again.

So the next time you eat a cookie from Keebler...think about this...

Love,

Keebler the Elf