New Work Schedule

We have a new work schedule...

6am - You get your ass up or Papa Elf wakes you up (beats you with a hammer)

7am - You had better already be done with breakfast, showered and started working

8am - First inspection...You better pray to Cookani (the Elvish cookie God) that it's good

9am - By now we have all already smoked weed to help us get through the day/pain of labor

10am - We are allowed a 5 minute break, but only 5 minutes. 5 minutes and 1 second = 20 lashings. 5 minutes and 2 seconds = 40 lashings etc.

11am - Second Inspection...If it isn't perfect by now, you will be beaten severely

12pm - 20 minutes for lunch, then back to work

1pm - If you don't have an idea to improve something in some way or have a new product, then you will not get a break for the rest of the day

2pm - By now we have drank ourselves stupid. If it wasn't for alcohol, we would all have died from the pain

3pm - Papa Elf picks his Elf Of the Day (or EOD) to sodomi...to speak to...

4pm - Dear Cookani, I am so hungry and tired...nothing a little salvia can't fix...

5pm - We get a 20 minute break. Most of us cry.

6pm - Third Inspection...Smile, look pretty, and pray to Cookani everything goes smoothly...

7pm - Dinner...It sucks...

8pm - Final Inspections...Papa Elf doesn't like the treats to be bad...(Please don't use the whip)

9pm - We are almost done...

10pm - THANK COOKANI WE ARE FREE!!...Unfortunately we need to still think of ideas for tomorrow...

11pm - Many of us go over to Smurf village and gang bang Smurfette...

12am - Almost ready for bed. But first, Papa Elf picks his EON (Elf Of the Night)

1am - We go to bed, and have nightmares of all the horrible things that happen to us

2am - Tossing and turning, and usually mumbling in our sleep, Papa Elf wakes up and beats us

3am - Sound asleep

4am - The Rancor has taken at least 4 of us for a midnight snack

5am - Those who have awoken cry...a lot...we are scared and usually cold.

Really the only changes are we have less break time... FML

Love,

Keebler the Elf

I Swear To Cookani...

If ONE more person asks me where the cookies are when I sneak out and go to parties...I WILL eviscerate everyone around me and I won't stop until everyone begs me for forgiveness...

Nah, I'm just fuckin with you. I don't care. I'll just put a roofi in your girlfriends drink and take advantage of her while you eat the cookies I laced with arsenic.

Nah, I'm still just fuckin with you. I'll just piss on your toothbrush...

I'm not kidding...

Keebler

The Three R's

There are three "R's" that all Elves must live by

Really work hard

Really try to stay alive

and

Robotrip often

If you do that, you are a good Elf...

Keebler

Papa Elf Found My Computer

That's why I haven't had a new blog in a while. I have had to sneak in and go to another Elf's secret computer. And with that I was only allowed to be on for 2 minutes. But now I have my own computer again! :)

But Papa Elf will be suspicious so I will have to play it cool sometimes.

Well, this is what's been happening:

We successfully mated rancors...but then we found out they were just faking it.

We were able to create a new cookie...but then we found out it is poisonous to humans.

We invented a new dance...but then found out it attracts bears.

We had a great feast...but birds flew by and ate the food and some Elves.

We killed a live goat...but then found out it wasn't a goat at all...still don't know what it is.

and finally...

We had a massive orgy...but then found out one of us had gonorrhea...time will tell who was fucked...literally.

So that's it for the update! Thanks for checking back, and I will see you when I-OH MY COOKANI WHAT IS THAT?!

Keebler

Just Made A New Friend

Her name is like a Crystal...well...no, it is that. But she's my new human friend.

But, since I'm only a few inches tall, it would never work. We discussed possibilities, but we decided friendship was the best way to go.

It's ok though, I'm gonna go gangbang Smurfette!!

LONG LIVE SMURF VILLAGE (well, at least Smurfette...)

Keebler the Elf

Herpes

There is a new strain of Elvish Herpes going around. Here are some things you need to know!

1. Elvish Herpes can be caught by ANY species...so to those who are into beastiality, watch out because many Elves like to do it with animals...

2. Elvish Herpes does not taste as good as it may sound...

4. There may be temporary lapses in memory or counting...

7. You may have uncontrollable muscle spas...sd'glknsdvsdlfksnl;

!0-2. Never trust a hoe (not really a rule, I just like that song)

t5. Remember to never...EVER...wait...hold on...can't remember that one, sorry.

Finally:

No matter how much they may show affection, ducks only like you if you have bread...

Keebler The...The...Truck?

Damn rancors...

They broke through our cages (we caught one and were doing lab tests on it) and it destroyed the honey section of the treehouse...son of a bitch!

Good thing tomorrow is Wednesday!!!

Keebler the Elf